Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
