He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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