We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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