it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
