The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
