i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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