i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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