i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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