I feel great
I just peed on a car
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
