Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
