mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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