Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The uberlube is also flammable
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
