I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
