I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My feet surprised me
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