I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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