you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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