Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
