so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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