I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
