do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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