I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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