your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
