What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
