New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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