He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
