my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
