I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Randomize
