So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Enjoy the penises
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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