the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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