i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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