Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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