Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
