so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
