i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
