we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
