Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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