i can't believe i had my finger in that
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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