Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
