U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
