he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
