this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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