Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
