she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
