I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
