No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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