i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
