So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
