Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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