I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
