i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
