True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
