anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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