If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
